Lessons Learned

I have learned a valuable lesson: If you have to go to the emergency room, regardless of the reason for your visit, claim to have chest pains in addition to whatever symptoms you may also be experiencing. This will get you immediately to the front of the line, and shortly thereafter, perched on a comfy gurney and on your way to see a doctor.  When you pay $100 for a visit, this is the treatment you deserve.

Bob was out riding his bike at lunch today and shortly thereafter, he began experiencing flutterings in his heart rhythm, which wouldn’t stop after a sufficient period of rest.  He called his doctor’s office, and was told that since this condition was somewhat of an emergency given his bypass last year, he would receive a call back shortly.  Nonetheless, two hours later, no response.  Well, what can you expect from a doctor who diagnosed a near-MERSA staff infection as bursitis, and was shocked and amazed to learn, despite Bob’s complaints of chest pains, that Bob had a 97% blockage of the main artery in his heart?  Good thing I had insisted on further tests, because this guy was never going to order them. 

Rather than wait for his doctor to eventually finish picking his nose and give us a call back, Bob ended up going into the ER, which is where we are now.

Arriving in the lobby, there is a woman whose lip is swollen to the point it threatens to cover her nose. It is beginning to consume her entire face.  “No, I widn’t hit it wif anyfing,” she struggles to say.  “I don’t fink I ate anyfing unusual.”  She is ushered to a seat to wait.  Apparently she did not understand that she should also say, “And I am also haffing chest pains.” 

Shortly thereafter, a young, athletic looking guy walks in and proceeds to slump to the floor.  “Why are you sitting on the floor?” an orderly asks.  “I didn’t want to faint and fall on the floor,” he says, with a miserable expression on his face.  “Are you having vertigo or feeling dizzy?” inquires the orderly.  “No, I just don’t want to faint. I am in terrible pain, and when that happens sometimes I black out. I didn’t want to fall over and get hurt.”  He is trying to sound calm but is apparently not feeling too well.   I want to whisper to him, “Claim to have chest pains!” but I can’t manage to do it without detection.  “You can’t sit on the floor,” says the orderly.  In a few minutes she returns with a nurse who takes the man’s blood pressure and helps him to a chair.  “So, are you feeling dizzy or having vertigo?” asks the nurse.  “I said no, no dizziness, I just feel faint from the pain.  My ear is in terrible pain. I was seen at 3AM morning and what they gave me doesn’t seem to be helping the infection.”  I immediately perk up and begin listening intently.  Having suffered terribly over the years from horrible ear infections, I can completely understand his pain and misery.  Now I really want to scream “and chest pains!  Remember, you also have chest pains brought on by the stress of the ear pain!”  But instead, he just slumps further in his chair while listening to a lecture on the semantics of the word “dizzy”.  The nurse drones on, “Well, dizziness doesn’t have to mean a spinning feeling. It could also mean a fainting feeling.  So if you say you aren’t dizzy but you are faint, I am not quite sure what you mean. Let me ask again, are you feeling dizzy?”  “Yes, I guess so,” he concedes. “It just really, really hurts. I can’t concentrate.” I see that familiar look pass between the nurse and the orderly.  “Drug seeking behavior!” they seem to be communicating telepathically to each other. “He is just in here to get more vicodin.”  I think about claiming to be the poor boy’s mother and reminding him that while he is not trying to be a burden to the ER staff, he also is having chest pains which for some reason he forgot to mention.  But just then, Bob is wheeled into the back recesses of the hospital for his EKG and the opportunity passes. 

Everything looks good for Bob, but just to be sure, he gets blood tests, a chest Xray, additional EKG’s, an order for a stress test tomorrow morning and an appointment to be fitted with a heart monitor for a 24 hour test, which unfortunately won’t be conducted until July 20th, 9 days from now.  I guess this is the only situation where the severity of having chest pains is outweighed by the scarcity of heart monitors.  No worries.  Bob feels better knowing that he has not had a heart attack.  Now he is hungry and we leave the hospital in search of something vegan.  It’s after 9 PM which in this area, means our choices are fast food or Wheaties with rice milk.  Guess which option wins?  Dinner of champions, here we come!