Handy Tips for Driving in Italy

We have been in Italy for about 24 hours now, and have already assimilated the language of the road. For those newbies out there who may wish to take a driving tour in this fine country,  I will share some important knowledge we have learned.

a.     When driving on a small road having one lane going in either direction and a white line painted down the center,  do not assume the line is in any way marking the boundaries of each lane.  Drive freely on any side of the line you prefer, or simply straddle the line and honk vigorously if anyone gets in your way. 

b.      Be sure to always drive as fast as you possibly can;  circular road signs with numbers inside them such as 30, 50, or 80 are not speed limits, but rather the number of sedatives you should ingest prior to entering the roadways.   

c.       Never pass another car on a straightaway.  Wait for a blind curve instead.  Also, whenever passing, do not worry looking in front of you for oncoming traffic.  Look behind you instead so you can dart out suddenly in front of other drivers who are already in process of passing you.

d.      Don’t worry if the road you are driving on seems to end in a set of stairs.  Simply drive up or down the stairs, and honk at any lazy pedestrians who get in your way.

some stairs have convenient concrete ramps build right in

e.      Paid parking lots are for German tourists.  Real Italians use the sidewalks. Pedestrians, on the other hand, use the streets.

Parking is more of an art than a science

f.        Stop signs are just suggestions.  If you actually do stop at one, prepare to be rear ended.

g.       Don’t be fooled into thinking that old people will drive conservatively.  They can chat and text on their cell phones with the best of the Italians.

h.      Signs displaying pictures of cows and wild boars indicate the proximity of the nearest salumeria and should be regarded similarly to stop signs.

i.         Look out for sexual predators carrying away children on the street.  You will know which areas are prone to this type of attack when you see the following sign:

Poor little Susie.  She never had a chance.

Remember – life is not about the final destination, it’s about the journey.  And the best journeys do not always travel directly from point A to point B, which is good, because in Italy it not actually possible to travel directly from point A to point B (unless you take the Autostrade, but that is the subject of a whole other blog).